A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11," all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says, "I know what you mean ... my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, "Hit me light or hit me hard," and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The last guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
Overheard at the Las Vegas Computer Convention
* "Oh, come on - Kirk can beat up Picard any day of the week!"
* "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!"
* "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates - this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there."
* "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts."
* "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!"
* "Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 283! Pass it on!"
* "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways."
* "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual Monique' better."
* "...so Dilbert says to Wally..."
* "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd take away my Nintendo."
* "...so I said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's my self-modifying subroutine.' But seriously, folks..."
* "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21."
* "Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk - Your mother wants to know what time you'll be home for dinner..."
* "They call this a breakfast buffet? Where's the Jolt Cola and Doritos?"
* "Hey - where are all the chicks?!"
Jokes is courtesy ofhttp://ifundb.com